Every year I set intentions for what I’d like to bring into my life. Some years I am more excited than others. This year I’m over the moon about them, so I thought I would share. 🙂
A ‘Lightbulb Moment’ is an exhilarating and humiliating cocktail to choke down, isn’t it? “I’m so excited for my life now!!!” mixed with a splash of “How could I be such a dumb ass for not recognizing something so common sense before?!” Truly, a mixed martini of life realization.
Six months ago my life felt entirely different. I was a workaholic. I wasn’t happy. I was depressed. And although I was planning a wedding and had my whole life to look forward to, I wasn’t living my life. I found myself, again (AGAIN???), surviving it.
I chose to leave my job and people I loved– people that treated me insanely well (in a valley where jobs are sparse mind you), to step out in faith. I wasn’t sure what was next but I needed the Universe to know that this workaholic lifestyle wasn’t in line with my life’s purpose and no longer served me anymore. In my heart, I’m a creative and an artist. This is when I feel I have something to offer the world.
I wrote a description of what I wanted my new life to be and what that would look like on a daily and yearly basis. In my grandiose, gold colored ‘impossible’ dreams, I am making my living as an artist and I am actively participating in a variety of creative things that give me joy. Basically, a life full of rich and lush, creative experiences.
In my heart, I am a comedian, a writer, a baker, a photographer and a singer. I’m also a blogger, a dancer, a professional poker player, an activist and a treasure hunter! Not to mention– whatever the hell else I want to be! I know how ridiculous that sounds; I would need 26 lives to make that happen.
A majority of creative and artistic people that I know making their living creatively ‘double down’ constantly. They are theater directors and poets, producers and bloggers, magicians and novelists. So the big question became ‘How do I go from being MandiCrocker, recovering food industry workaholic, to MandiCrocker, creative powerhouse? How does one tap into a life full of lush, rich and creative experiences? Then, the lightbulb.
“Oh. I should finish something.”
How can I make my living at any of these things if I have nothing to pitch? I have no finished book, no finished screenplay, no framed and printed photography to sell… It just seemed SO FLIPPING OBVIOUS. Over the years, I have probably started a novel twelve times. I have started a television series, twice. I choreograph countless dances in my head waiting to be the size of Julianne Hough before I dance again. In hindsight, it seems like ‘the definition of insanity,’ as they say. Action is required.
GOAL #1: FINISH &$%ING PROJECTS. 🙂
2. BECOME A GOOD LISTENER
I am a really horrible listener. The other day I asked one of our local girls, home on break, how she was liking being overseas. Before she even completely finished her answer, I cut her off with an assumption and another question. I care about this girl and as a person that loves traveling, I am over the moon she is overseas at such a young age. Why do I do this???
My Aunt Amy is an incredible conversationalist. You can tell she is genuinely interested in people, asks questions, listens and is always super enthusiastic about what you’re doing. It’s a gift I really admire! I think it’s a mix of my shy and insecure Virgo ascendent (completely uncomfortable with small talk) mixed with the creative, spiritual tendency to self examine to a narcissistic degree. I’m also a Libra, so I hear something and run it through a filter of how that has happened in my life. It’s meant to relate but while that filter is running, I often miss everything.
I do this to my poor honey, too. I’ll say something, pause and ask, “Is that what you just said?” IT’S SO HORRIBLE!!! I’m always in my head. I am always dreaming. I talk way too much. Whatever the reason, I don’t like it! I love people. I’m fascinated with stories. I think being present and a good listener will help. PLEASE FIX ME IN THE COMMENTS BELOW SO I DON’T HAVE TO PAY A THERAPIST. 🙂
3. BECOME STRONGER
Sarah Connor. Maggie. Princess Leia. The Stark Girls. The Mother of Dragons. Katniss. Ripley. Sydney Bristow. All the Clones. I love strong women. I love powerful women. I love women that kick ass.
When I first moved here, I lived with my aunt and uncle. To say the least, they are ‘outdoor sports people’ and that summer I stayed with them I was hiking, biking and rock climbing almost every day. I can be insanely determined. I think I lost 20 pounds in three weeks. It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. Ha! It was very emotional. In hindsight, I still have stress fractures in my feet that have never healed from pushing myself way too hard, too soon. It was aaaaall me! So stupid! BUT! At the end of the summer, I felt STRONG. I loved and appreciated everything about that feeling.
Three and a half years later, wedding planning under depression and anxiety, I have not felt strong. If anything, the path I’ve been on has literally scared me physically. Thankfully this new path, putting my creative self first feels so selfish and wonderful, it also makes me want to put my physical self first. The snapshot of our world inspires me to be strong. So, I’m focusing on joining the kick ass list of fictional characters above to manifest a very real one for myself.
It’s not– and can’t be– about numbers, ‘exercise,’ or ‘losing weight.’ Instead, it is about being my own princess and being my own superhero. The desire to run to and away from whatever the hell I want is very strong in this one. 🙂
So that’s it, folks!! My News Year’s Resolutions! Anybody else feel inspired this year to set resolutions? Maybe a resolution to set no resolutions? Ha! I always love how everyone’s resolutions are different! 🙂 Happy January 22nd, everyone! xoxo