I found myself stagnate.  In transition.  Feeling a bit unguided.  Stuck. It lead to worry. Fear. Anxiety. An unrelentless need to figure it out.  I had been wringing my hands in desperation and unable to sleep.  With so many variables out of my control, it felt like I was just a passenger in my own life.  It’s a miserable existence that I don’t recommend…  

Insert forlorn photo here!

A Good Question to Ask When You Are Worried

Anxiety. Stress. Worry. It takes it’s toll!

The question that I’ve been asking myself lately?

“How much do you want to suffer?” 

Huh.  Have I been suffering? That sounded like such a heavy experience.  How have I been suffering? What does that look like in my life?  What are the choices I’m making?

How much do I want to suffer???  Not a whole lot come to find out!  The question was a bit eye opening for me. The worry, the fear, the intensity of it all… it did nothing for our situation.  Our house hadn’t magically sold, our debt hadn’t gone down.  We’re not a step closer to buying a home here and I still have no idea how I’m paying September’s bills.  So whyyyyy do it???

Worst case scenario, those bills become past due, my credit I had worked so hard to rebuild turns to shit and eventually, I have to rebuild it again.  Can I live through that?  Of course.  I did it once, I can do it again.  I also have a lot of shame about the amount of debt I’ve gotten myself back into.  Did I overspend… again?  Yup. Did we expect the house to sell a bit faster?  Yeah.  Whoops.  But beating myself up does nothing but let me marinate in my mistakes, still stuck, still fearful.  

How much do I want to suffer?  

I love this because it’s a question about taking back the reins and being proactive.  It’s about controlling what you can.  It’s about being grateful for all that IS.  

I need $700 by September 1st.  That’s all.  And at the end of the day?  I really don’t even need that. 

I just need air in my lungs, a little food for fuel and the rest are just gifts.  I don’t need the timeline for our house to sell.  I don’t need a down payment for a new home right now. I don’t need to know when we finally can move into a new home with more light.  I don’t need to have the answers about my creative life’s purpose yesterday.  And I certainly don’t need to be 60 pounds lighter before I allow myself to feel worthy. 

But my mind went down the rabbit hole and already saw bills past due, bankruptcy, the house in foreclosure, living in this rental shooting poorly lit photos, me dying of heart disease, Ruby without a mother, all of the world on fire, the aliens invading… All of these horrific things because of $700.  When you put it like that it seems… I don’t know… FREAKING CRAZY.   

When I began asking myself this question, I found myself being more proactive. Not about trying to figure it out– but about taking control of my life where I could.  I don’t want to suffer. So how can I gently change my actions and mentality?

Even when I’m exhausted, I’ve been doing my best to go out for walks to move my body, but to also be connected to nature and my intuition. I really do my best to use all five senses to take everything in. (Sidenote:  Highly reccomend a documentary from Iceland on Netflix called ‘Innsaei: The Power of Intuition’— a little slow to start but a few fascinating stories about how we’ve lost our connection with nature and with ourselves).  As soon as Ruby is down for a nap, I meditate because I know it’s the only time I have and who knows for how long!  I’ve been focusing on the spiritual– the mind, body, soul connection because that is what matters. AND when I’m most connected is when I’m most inspired and the ideas come…

There was a couple recently in the news, parents to a beautiful one year old girl, who went into a cave for an ice climbing day trip.  Despite being educated, experienced climbers, they took a wrong turn due to some poor information and ended up burning their packs and their own hair to survive, being rescued in the nick of time. Were they thinking about something like $700?  Not a chance.  The things they thought were important to them, they realized were so insanely insignificant, it was life changing. The wife said she couldn’t even look at instagram anymore because it just didn’t matter any more. 

How much do I want to suffer?  

I don’t plan on suffering anymore. Still human, but I practice letting go daily.  Everything will work itself out because everything always works out for us.  We expect good things.  And it’s not about our own timing. Coupled with the mantra, “My life is changing because I am changing my life” and I’m beginning to realize things are hardly that bad.  And that actually, I’m powerful and capable. And while I will be grateful for the house to sell, to be able to photograph in a house that has good light with a camera without focus issues, figuring out which creative life path will be most fulfilling and help the most people– blah, blah, blah…  it’s nothing I’m going to lose sleep over anymore.

It’s something I’ve been learning recently so I thought I’d share.  How much do you want to suffer and where can you take control?  Questions to take some time on… 

Happy Friday.  🙂





As you know, Lliam and I have had a rollercoaster couple of months relocating to California.  However, when all is said and done, we’ve been able to manifest all of our needs in a timely manner, to the point that a couple of people have reached out to me about manifestation.  I haven’t had a whole lot of time to respond (we’re nine months now, people- ahhh!!!).  I was listening to a podcast today that summed up beautifully what it takes to shift one’s life and thought I’d quickly share some of the morsels as they’ve been good reminders for me this morning with an ‘impossible’ list of to do’s…
This is Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith (paraphrased) on Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations…
Here we go (I love this):
“At the end of the day, if you’re complaining more than you’re talking about your vision, then you’re in inertia. There is a shift that takes place where you’re actually talking more about the possibilities than you’re talking about your issues. You’re not denying the issues, it is the energy that you give to it.
Questions to ask yourself: 
WHAT IF…  all my needs were met, what would I be doing in my life?
WHAT IF… everything is working together for my good?
WHAT IF…  all the bad things that have happened in my life are leading me to some great potential in my experience?
WHAT IF… God really is on my side?  The more you ask these questions, the more you start to see the little miracles.”  
Truth. From my own experiences, there are two morsels I’d like to add to this.  The first, is to say ‘stick with it.’ Good things start happening and two seconds later when it’s not ‘our answer,’ not big enough or doesn’t happen fast enough, we go straight to #FML, ‘I’m cursed,’ or ‘That must be nice for them.’ Straight back to inertia. Possibility and hope are everything, and you really have to dive in fiercely and be immersed in it.  It’s a life change of thought.  It’s not winning the lottery in one scratch off. That is why I listen to inspiring podcasts daily, read books, let quotes marinate, etc.  Whatever inspires me, is my focus for as much of my day as is possible.  
The second part is that no matter what happens in life… no matter WHAT… I do my best to approach it with gratitude every time.  Some days are better than others, of course– I allow myself humanity, but at the end of the day, any situations or feelings that are icky, when things don’t work out– to me– are the angels looking out for me.   I’m being protected from a path that doesn’t serve me.  Or possibly, there is a lesson to be learned here.  What energy did I bring to the table to make this happen?  And if shit just happens (because it does sometimes), how do I surrender these feelings?  What energy do I bring to this situation to keep my vibration high? Nothing has to be the end of the world.  Nothing.  We truly decide… in every… single… situation. Big or small. 
One example is our current rental.  We miraculously manifested a rental for exactly what we could afford, through one of Lliam’s co-workers like we imagined, and it has two bedrooms which we really needed for visitors once the baby arrives.  It allowed for our animals. It’s pretty big and has an oven with a griddle on it!  (I TOTALLY manifested that griddle… I’ve been talking to Lliam about a stove with a griddle since I saw the movie ‘Chef’ and worked as a line cook. Can you say Cubanos and Pancakes!!???)  It  fills all of our needs. 
Is our living situation perfect?  Um… nooooo. It is truly a ‘Sportsman’s Lodge.’  My dad’s dream.  My worst nightmare.  😉  There are deer heads, boar heads, bear skins, green carpeting– everything has a pattern.  Lliam spent an entire week pretty much dealing with overflowing plumbing issues. (And let me tell you, a pregnant lady needs a bathroom!!)  It’s also very dark inside.  There are no marble countertops, no shiplap, no HGTV white walls and bright light, etc. For the most part, our ‘forever home,’ everything I was meditating on and manifesting while we were packing our bags in Washington, isn’t where we’re currently living by a long shot.  
So.  Do I #FML?  Hate everything I hate every moment of my day?  Compare my life with those of others? I have moments of of it, for sure!  This is usually where I laugh off when people say, “Everything just works out for you.”  But to stay in a ‘lack mentality’ manifests nothing. And there is SO MUCH to be grateful for!!  And so much DOES work out for us! I mean, hello, that griddle alone makes me insanely happy.  We are safe.  We are being taken care of.  We have rooms for guests. It is cost effective for us.  It is roomy. We have a fireplace.  We have nice, goofy neighbors.  We have crazy ass stories to tell Baby Soul and you best believe, we’ll look back on this place and laugh.  There IS a charm to that and I AM super grateful! 
AND… it doesn’t mean we’re not manifesting our ‘Already Fixer-Upped’  (or something).  When I dream big I always end my affirmation with… “or something better.”  For whatever reason (financially this makes a lot of sense to me), this is is our ‘something better’ for right now.  “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”  I believe that whole-heartedly. I still dream big for that jetted tub and deep kitchen sink… *swoon*  But never in lack, always in gratitude. 
Another example… Last night I couldn’t find my driver’s license.  Ready to pop out a baby at any time, behind on pretty much all of my ‘to do’s’ isn’t the time you want to be dealing with an out of state lost license.  Not to mention, with pregnancy brain, I couldn’t for the life of me remember where I could have had it.  We had to get a bunch of important documents copied but I know the printer returned everything.
So I did what I could do.  I searched for it.  I thought hard (probably pulled my groin in the process). I began to google what I would have to do to get another one and began to panic. Was just about to crumble and point fingers at everything and everyone when the awareness kicked in.  Freaking out wouldn’t help.   But asking for what I need and letting it go, always does. Instead I mentally said, “Angels, this CAN be easy. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.  I am asking you to find my license.  I’m letting it go.”  
A minute later, I had the idea to ask Lliam if it somehow got stuck in HIS passport before I gave it back to him. And it did.  Coincidence?  Sure.  Maybe.  But nah… Because this stuff happens to me all the time.  Not because I’m special but because I know to let it go.  (Another key– asking without expectation so desperation and ‘lack’ aren’t attached). What if it didn’t show up?  Rather than dread trips to the DMV and driving around San Bernardino exhausted and angry, I would focus on the process of getting a new card being insanely easy.   
So there you have it… A few ideas and thoughts to let resonate this morning.  Obviously, it’s not the whole gamut on manifestation, but its things that have found its way into my very human psyche this morning and I hope it helps you as much as it does me.  🙂