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I found myself stagnate.  In transition.  Feeling a bit unguided.  Stuck. It lead to worry. Fear. Anxiety. An unrelentless need to figure it out.  I had been wringing my hands in desperation and unable to sleep.  With so many variables out of my control, it felt like I was just a passenger in my own life.  It’s a miserable existence that I don’t recommend…  

Insert forlorn photo here!

A Good Question to Ask When You Are Worried

Anxiety. Stress. Worry. It takes it’s toll!

The question that I’ve been asking myself lately?

“How much do you want to suffer?” 

Huh.  Have I been suffering? That sounded like such a heavy experience.  How have I been suffering? What does that look like in my life?  What are the choices I’m making?

How much do I want to suffer???  Not a whole lot come to find out!  The question was a bit eye opening for me. The worry, the fear, the intensity of it all… it did nothing for our situation.  Our house hadn’t magically sold, our debt hadn’t gone down.  We’re not a step closer to buying a home here and I still have no idea how I’m paying September’s bills.  So whyyyyy do it???

Worst case scenario, those bills become past due, my credit I had worked so hard to rebuild turns to shit and eventually, I have to rebuild it again.  Can I live through that?  Of course.  I did it once, I can do it again.  I also have a lot of shame about the amount of debt I’ve gotten myself back into.  Did I overspend… again?  Yup. Did we expect the house to sell a bit faster?  Yeah.  Whoops.  But beating myself up does nothing but let me marinate in my mistakes, still stuck, still fearful.  

How much do I want to suffer?  

I love this because it’s a question about taking back the reins and being proactive.  It’s about controlling what you can.  It’s about being grateful for all that IS.  

I need $700 by September 1st.  That’s all.  And at the end of the day?  I really don’t even need that. 

I just need air in my lungs, a little food for fuel and the rest are just gifts.  I don’t need the timeline for our house to sell.  I don’t need a down payment for a new home right now. I don’t need to know when we finally can move into a new home with more light.  I don’t need to have the answers about my creative life’s purpose yesterday.  And I certainly don’t need to be 60 pounds lighter before I allow myself to feel worthy. 

But my mind went down the rabbit hole and already saw bills past due, bankruptcy, the house in foreclosure, living in this rental shooting poorly lit photos, me dying of heart disease, Ruby without a mother, all of the world on fire, the aliens invading… All of these horrific things because of $700.  When you put it like that it seems… I don’t know… FREAKING CRAZY.   

When I began asking myself this question, I found myself being more proactive. Not about trying to figure it out– but about taking control of my life where I could.  I don’t want to suffer. So how can I gently change my actions and mentality?

Even when I’m exhausted, I’ve been doing my best to go out for walks to move my body, but to also be connected to nature and my intuition. I really do my best to use all five senses to take everything in. (Sidenote:  Highly reccomend a documentary from Iceland on Netflix called ‘Innsaei: The Power of Intuition’— a little slow to start but a few fascinating stories about how we’ve lost our connection with nature and with ourselves).  As soon as Ruby is down for a nap, I meditate because I know it’s the only time I have and who knows for how long!  I’ve been focusing on the spiritual– the mind, body, soul connection because that is what matters. AND when I’m most connected is when I’m most inspired and the ideas come…

There was a couple recently in the news, parents to a beautiful one year old girl, who went into a cave for an ice climbing day trip.  Despite being educated, experienced climbers, they took a wrong turn due to some poor information and ended up burning their packs and their own hair to survive, being rescued in the nick of time. Were they thinking about something like $700?  Not a chance.  The things they thought were important to them, they realized were so insanely insignificant, it was life changing. The wife said she couldn’t even look at instagram anymore because it just didn’t matter any more. 

How much do I want to suffer?  

I don’t plan on suffering anymore. Still human, but I practice letting go daily.  Everything will work itself out because everything always works out for us.  We expect good things.  And it’s not about our own timing. Coupled with the mantra, “My life is changing because I am changing my life” and I’m beginning to realize things are hardly that bad.  And that actually, I’m powerful and capable. And while I will be grateful for the house to sell, to be able to photograph in a house that has good light with a camera without focus issues, figuring out which creative life path will be most fulfilling and help the most people– blah, blah, blah…  it’s nothing I’m going to lose sleep over anymore.

It’s something I’ve been learning recently so I thought I’d share.  How much do you want to suffer and where can you take control?  Questions to take some time on… 

Happy Friday.  🙂

 

 

 

 

MONEY. The four letter word so bad it’s five letters. Money fears are always the f*ckers to our authenticity and manifestation, aren’t they?

This has been an educating and eye opening transition for me being a stay at home mom.  On one hand, I’m always with my daughter which is exhausting but wonderful.  I would absolutely hate being away from her, having to work full time right now.  On the other hand, not having an income– especially not having my own income, has been challenging and scary. Then, the third part of my current conundrum is having this intense desire to create. I have 1,249,823 projects I want to work on that require time, energy and money.  No big!  😉  

I’ll be frank, I zero percent want to go back to work right now.  My body still feels wrecked (which I’m working on), I’m up with our daughter all night (four month sleep regression is a THANG), I’m exhausted all the time, and I know to work on weekends will totally wipe out all reserves.  

I don’t ‘sleep when the baby sleeps,’  I ‘hustle when the baby sleeps.’  I bake, I take photos, write blogs, edit photos, watch tutorials… I am always working.  I am always learning.  I’m not creating because of all of this magical downtime I have, I am MAKING. IT. HAPPEN. in between burps and diaper changes, or at midnight after she’s asleep.

So to spend my ‘hustle time’ working for someone else at an unfulfilling job means I won’t have the time or energy to create (which in itself is a life force sucker), and that– truth be told–  scares the shit out of me. Not because I think my inner artist will shrivel up and die, turning quickly into a depress case (though been there, done that) but because if I don’t start these projects now, will I ever have the perfect circumstances to start them?  Time is a commodity. It’s like paying rent versus the investment of a mortgage.  People that are successful food bloggers are successful now because they put in years of blogging.  Most YouTubers are able to monetize because they have years of videos under their belt winning subscribers not because they have five.  I don’t want to be 65 just having started things. The sooner I start, the sooner the pay off.  Hence, the hustle. You get what I’m putting down?

I know society can be a judgmental, know-it-all biotch.  “If you can’t pay your bills, suck it up and get a job. It’s called being an adult. You do what you have to do for your children. You made the choice to have kids.”  And to an extent, there is totally truth to that!  Sometimes, a person might need to get a job that feels like dying (our grocery store is hiring) to remind yourself that you’re responsible and capable of making money.  It feels good to pay your bills and to be able to afford things.  This makes sense to me as I’ve been spending beyond my means (the whole no income thing).  Money is a karmic lesson I get a lot because I continue to spend.  So, maybe we’re relearning a little somethin’ somethin’ here…

On the flip side, sometimes you have to say no to certain money making opportunities (our grocery store is hiring) because it’s time to believe you’re worth more than a job you hate. That idea is part of an old program or your history. You’ve paid your dues and learned your lessons. Your back doesn’t have to break anymore. You CAN have a job you love. Believe in YOU. Or as Johann Wolfgang von Goethe says: “At the moment of commitment, the universe conspires to assist you.”

Sometimes ‘suck it up’ individuals are exceptional at paying bills but can kinda, sorta, really, totally suck at life. Ha! They can sometimes be lifeless or totally unhappy, martyr-and-victim parental units that are dying inside thinking there’s only one way to do life. I promised myself at the start of this child rearing shindig, that I was going to do this different. I don’t believe my life’s purpose is to solely raise my daughter. I believe my life’s purpose is to create, live an authentic life and brings something decent and lovely to the planet as best I can.  It is what makes me feel energized– whole and complete, nurtured and nurturing. And in part FOR my daughter, she’ll hopefully learn through my example she is allowed a fullfulling life as well, and that good things don’t just happen to other people.

So what do you do when your heart and intuition are telling you to create and start these projects but your bank account is saying get a part time job and do the responsible thing? It’s a confusing spiritual merry go round. Personally, for reasons of my own doing, I have both been burned and blessed by stepping out in faith. 

I have waited too long to do the responsible karmic thing and gone into debt without being grounded in reality.  I’ve also passed up lucrative jobs, only to have my aunt email me randomly about a job in the mountains that finally felt right.  I had to borrow money from my sister to move to Mazama to start a life I know I was destined to live.  Hardly responsible. Totally in line with everything I am. And let me tell you, the fine line between those two situations for me right now is the confusing reality between getting knocked on the head in Kansas and having the courage to walk the Yellow Brick Road.  Ha! One is a black and white reality. The other is a vibrant and colorful dream.  And neither is necessarily right or wrong.

This week I dropped my sis off at the bus station down the mountain in San Bernardino.  I was angry and frustrated that I’ve been feeling in limbo.  I felt utterly hopeless, confused. There were some tears.  Did I mention angry?  Anyway, I stopped at one of the turnoffs to have some words with my guides and angels.  For whatever reason, my honesty and the view felt empowering.  The ‘in between’ of manifestation can totally suck (hello, we’re human after all!) but there has always been something incredible on the other end of it when I commit to it.  The mountains reminded me of that.  

The current state of affairs:  I will not apply at the grocery store but I did apply at the local movie theater.  I will reach out to the local tavern about working weekends but specifically for karaoke night (y’all I love my karaoke). I reached out to local photographers to see if they needed weekend help during wedding season because I’ve been dying to have the opportunity to start shooting weddings.  (At the very least, to see if I’d like it).  I’ve reached out to LA headshot photographers to see if they’d be willing to take on apprentices because I would be sooo happy to learn new things.  

I’ve continued to upload images to Shutterstock for some down the road chump change.  I’ve been baking and blogging. I submitted to the Food Network for their baking championship shows. I look for interesting jobs on Craigslist.  I will reach out to local businesses to see if they need food photographs for their websites or menus (which also means I’m working on a photography website).  Our house is on the market in Mazama and I remind myself without attachment to outcome, it could sell at any time.  Weaving, what feels in my soul, like a positive and healthy tapestry… 

I have no idea how this all plays out but I know that it does.  The ‘in between’ is hard, scary and feels impossible but it’s my choice. I know I get to decide to take forty steps back into an old box of possibility or stick to what feels good in an exciting and responsible way.  I know it’ll be in perfect timing and can imagine how utterly grateful and ecstatic I’ll feel later as I can see how the stars aligned.  

And when I am on the other side of this… as a current basket case with sleepless rage tendencies?  I’ll be sure to laugh when people say things just work out for me because I’m a naturally positive person.  Ummm… yeah.  The earful the mountains got would say I’m a total Florence Henderson right here.  😉

We get a choice, friends. Here’s hoping the mountains remind you, too.  xoxo

 

 

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