I found myself stagnate. In transition. Feeling a bit unguided. Stuck. It lead to worry. Fear. Anxiety. An unrelentless need to figure it out. I had been wringing my hands in desperation and unable to sleep. With so many variables out of my control, it felt like I was just a passenger in my own life. It’s a miserable existence that I don’t recommend…
Insert forlorn photo here!
The question that I’ve been asking myself lately?
“How much do you want to suffer?”
Huh. Have I been suffering? That sounded like such a heavy experience. How have I been suffering? What does that look like in my life? What are the choices I’m making?
How much do I want to suffer??? Not a whole lot come to find out! The question was a bit eye opening for me. The worry, the fear, the intensity of it all… it did nothing for our situation. Our house hadn’t magically sold, our debt hadn’t gone down. We’re not a step closer to buying a home here and I still have no idea how I’m paying September’s bills. So whyyyyy do it???
Worst case scenario, those bills become past due, my credit I had worked so hard to rebuild turns to shit and eventually, I have to rebuild it again. Can I live through that? Of course. I did it once, I can do it again. I also have a lot of shame about the amount of debt I’ve gotten myself back into. Did I overspend… again? Yup. Did we expect the house to sell a bit faster? Yeah. Whoops. But beating myself up does nothing but let me marinate in my mistakes, still stuck, still fearful.
How much do I want to suffer?
I love this because it’s a question about taking back the reins and being proactive. It’s about controlling what you can. It’s about being grateful for all that IS.
I need $700 by September 1st. That’s all. And at the end of the day? I really don’t even need that.
I just need air in my lungs, a little food for fuel and the rest are just gifts. I don’t need the timeline for our house to sell. I don’t need a down payment for a new home right now. I don’t need to know when we finally can move into a new home with more light. I don’t need to have the answers about my creative life’s purpose yesterday. And I certainly don’t need to be 60 pounds lighter before I allow myself to feel worthy.
But my mind went down the rabbit hole and already saw bills past due, bankruptcy, the house in foreclosure, living in this rental shooting poorly lit photos, me dying of heart disease, Ruby without a mother, all of the world on fire, the aliens invading… All of these horrific things because of $700. When you put it like that it seems… I don’t know… FREAKING CRAZY.
When I began asking myself this question, I found myself being more proactive. Not about trying to figure it out– but about taking control of my life where I could. I don’t want to suffer. So how can I gently change my actions and mentality?
Even when I’m exhausted, I’ve been doing my best to go out for walks to move my body, but to also be connected to nature and my intuition. I really do my best to use all five senses to take everything in. (Sidenote: Highly reccomend a documentary from Iceland on Netflix called ‘Innsaei: The Power of Intuition’— a little slow to start but a few fascinating stories about how we’ve lost our connection with nature and with ourselves). As soon as Ruby is down for a nap, I meditate because I know it’s the only time I have and who knows for how long! I’ve been focusing on the spiritual– the mind, body, soul connection because that is what matters. AND when I’m most connected is when I’m most inspired and the ideas come…
There was a couple recently in the news, parents to a beautiful one year old girl, who went into a cave for an ice climbing day trip. Despite being educated, experienced climbers, they took a wrong turn due to some poor information and ended up burning their packs and their own hair to survive, being rescued in the nick of time. Were they thinking about something like $700? Not a chance. The things they thought were important to them, they realized were so insanely insignificant, it was life changing. The wife said she couldn’t even look at instagram anymore because it just didn’t matter any more.
How much do I want to suffer?
I don’t plan on suffering anymore. Still human, but I practice letting go daily. Everything will work itself out because everything always works out for us. We expect good things. And it’s not about our own timing. Coupled with the mantra, “My life is changing because I am changing my life” and I’m beginning to realize things are hardly that bad. And that actually, I’m powerful and capable. And while I will be grateful for the house to sell, to be able to photograph in a house that has good light with a camera without focus issues, figuring out which creative life path will be most fulfilling and help the most people– blah, blah, blah… it’s nothing I’m going to lose sleep over anymore.
It’s something I’ve been learning recently so I thought I’d share. How much do you want to suffer and where can you take control? Questions to take some time on…
Happy Friday. 🙂