Yesterday was a long day. I got up early, meditated, packed bags, ran errands, drove up the mountains, made calls, texted contacts, made plans for Thanksgiving, met up with a realtor, looked at some houses, lost my wallet, went to lunch, met up with my honey, had a meeting with our lender, miraculously managed to get to the cabin that was gifted to us for the night without barfing, more calls and texts, unpacked bags. Then, I found my wallet. In a fog of severe ‘pregnancy brain,’ I had managed to zip my wallet into my make-up bag thinking it was my purse. Yikes. Just one day of many…
Remember when I used to bake and take photos? Was that a dream?
When we got to the cabin, we were absolutely exhausted and feeling a bit down and out. While so much has happened, and happened in our favor in a very short amount of time, truly none of it has felt easy. Lliam was able to find work quickly and started his job last week. Still without a place to live, he has been car camping while I have been visiting my sis in San Diego. Yesterday was the first we’d seen each other in a week. With all that’s going on, it felt like a lifetime.
Talking to the lender was both encouraging and disappointing. She’s totally awesome… But with one income, we are prequalified for about 46 cents, and 54 cents if we can come up with a $4-6k down payment. She had a lot of fantastic suggestions and she definitely wants to get us a house in a financially healthy way. But to jump through a million hoops again, as we’ve already done with the DMV, doctors, health clinics, contacting the IRS for W2’s, etc, finding co-borrowers and taking loans from friends sounded exhausting last night and felt hopeless. Two steps forward, two steps back. Needless to say, when we got to the cabin, Lliam and I snuggled the hell out of each other.
This morning when Lliam left for work I said, “Honey, I’m glad you’re my husband, okay?” My ‘cute’ way of saying that I loved and appreciated him. “Oh, that’s so nice,” he says back. A moment later he pops his head back in and says, “Sweetie, I’m so proud you’re my wife.”
I’m not sure why– because we’re pretty respectful and sweet to each other all the time, but the comment plinko-ed it’s way to the bottom of my heart and warmly made its home there. My husband is proud of me. All 846 pounds of pregnant, invalid me– swollen thighs, ass like a barn door, wife that can’t walk more than a block due to joint pain in my knees, that gets carsick every single time we drive up the mountain (despite him driving slow), and can’t contribute financially because car camping in my third bladder-filled trimester feels like death… And yet, he doesn’t just love me, he’s proud of me. (WHY???) But I am also soooo proud of him!!! The man he is, who he is choosing to be. How much he cares about this family and works hard for us. The way he rubs my belly excitedly and asks, “How are my girls!?”
This morning it made me think of the Jack/Rebecca relationship in the NBC show, ‘This Is Us.’ The couple with triplets that has absolutely no idea what is going on but trusts everything will be okay because they believe in their love. Lliam and I are very different characters on our hit show, but our love and commitment to each other is the same. Or, in a song I wrote and blubbered through on our wedding day… ‘It’s a life I trust because it’s us.’ It got me thinking so hard about how I’ve been feeling and ultimately, about the love around us.
Every day I wake up in fear and anxiety. There are tears and panic. I want answers now. It truly is a daily unveiling– a moment by moment surrender. And we signed up for that. I can handle it because we felt led to move here. There are such amazing lessons and growth in this and I truly believe we will feel unstoppable, in many ways, forever after.
But when this faith and these lessons, comes at the expense and generosity– and continued generosity— of friends and family, the clock ticks and my stomach turns. Hey angels! Can’t we move this along for their sake? It is their burden and mine. It is the heaviest weight I carry and a guilt I drag behind me. I know this is a tragic attitude in manifesting a place to live so I do my best to surrender this thought as well.
Instead, I meditate. I listen to Christmas music. I remember the holiday season is upon us and that I decide what the holidays mean to me. I stay proactive for the sake of taking action. I say no to the friends I moved here for and instead rest as much as I can. I let myself feel what I need to feel in order to keep my spirits up and vibration high. I realize that ‘This is Us’ isn’t one couple’s love story. It’s not about one family. ‘This is Us’ is about ALL of us.
When I let go of the guilt, I am able to see the real story… I watch my friends become innkeepers, saying yes to the Christmas story in their own way. (Less Messiah, more Baby Soul.) When I told my sis I might have to give birth in a stable, she texted me that she had hay, a variety of animals and even an astrologer present to chart the stars for my visit. Ha!
We eat bagels and drink iced tea at Starbucks from the $100 gift card given to me by a friend and angel in Mazama. $200 in cash for our trip, lovely cards and a Mazama onesie for our little girl! I stay at various faux ‘Airbnbs’– apartments, cabins… every day we have a place to stay. A server being overly kind because I don’t notice until I’m back in the car that my eyes are red. Lliam’s church gifting us a carseat/stroller combination. Friends of friends that offer a slew of baby items I haven’t even begun to think about yet. (Oh right, we’re having a baby…) I feel the angels rejoice like its Christmas…
For months I’ve had that goofy song ‘We are Santa’s Elves’ from Rudolph in my head and had no idea why. I realize the lesson on this journey might actually have nothing to do with what I manifest in faith. It’s soooo not about me. It has everything to do with seeing the world with new eyes– that Demagorgans at the DMV aren’t truth or reality. Instead, that kindness and acts of beauty in the world exist now more than ever in humanity. In goodness, we’re all connected. It’s a planet full of Santa’s Helpers.
This thought is still a work in progress, maybe… But at the very least, I’m grateful to recognize my friends, family and the world around me, in the below clip… When you have a world this cute and so excited to help, what’s not to be grateful for? Makes me want to put on some elf ears and get to work because this? THIS is us.